Questions of Empire

Long we have been unmoved
Before us the great charlatan
Beats his drum and froths
Sheep bleating at his heels
Who holds the leash?

And we mired on Facebook
Just where he wants us
Wringing our uncertain hands
Arguing with enemy trolls
Where are the children?

No longer does the blood
Compel an averted gaze
Through phones we stare
To capture the sickness
Is honest vision frightening?

This must surely end
Rome will again fall
Hear the marching hoard
Which side shall prevail?

Heart of my heart,
When do I get to hear your voice?
See you or
Touch you?
Never again.

Heart of my heart,
Forgive me for the scar upon you
You left a
Long path to follow.

Love of my life
I could not live up to your detachment
Unwelcome
Be out of sight

Heart of my heart
I can’t say you abandoned me
Despite love
Our paths were always separate

Distance

The fire in my blood, do you feel it?
Somehow I must reach you, that you will
Reach to me.

Each millimetre of space
A vast distance to traverse, how then to
Become the explorer?

What Is To Be Exacted

What is to be exacted
standing in the place of privilege
Power to even request
Even when it is not a request
What price are you asking

What is the value to one
Who by the burning soul's
Desire is life itself the will
To become more than the body
Of light and sound when all words fail

What pound of flesh for your glimpse
Even as you hold the key to freedom
Offering as if there was a choice
Oh the longing to unlock the sweet bird
To let her wings cut the air and song finally be free

Some who saw said it was romantic
Others were shocked at the outright coercion
Would you have given your flesh to free your heart
Would you have held the key while he held your body to his
knowing all along what is to be exacted

Death

Every day she visits him
At the cemetery she weeps at his grave
Touches her lips and presses
Her fingers to the tombstone

When we make love he may
Give us some room in our bed
But so quickly he takes it back
He is her last thought and first

Death is bigger than me
I cannot hope to be more than who I am
So I choose to live with her and him
Hoping time will diminish his spectre

The young man who called her mama
Towered so tall he had to duck under doors
I wish I could have known you
Now I only know you as loss and death

Time

Perhaps it is that it has been one month
A measure of time
Something significant
Taking us beyond the casual
As if we were ever just casual
But today my heart is beating loudly
Fiercely insistent
Today I want to tell you everything
Hold your face in my hands
And tell you everything
Yes, there is time for all that
We have all the time
But today something in me is rushing
To the surface rushing to you
All that I have held back
Sits now in my chest insistent
And that long ago plea for someone
To be understood by and seen
Comes in your deep brown eyes
And all at once I want
To rush in like a wave
And all at once I want
to submerge and hide
Because of how you look at me
Unflinching in your gaze
And all my bigness
And all my smallness
Becomes inseparable
It is now a matter of time
Measured by my beating heart

An Idea

See I have this idea
I want to wait
Take it slow, get to know you
I try to play it cool
Then you walk into the room
And all my ideas
Those well laid plans fall to pieces
If only you knew
That the simple sound of your voice
Or even seeing you from afar
Sets my pulse to quickening
Imagine what happens when you
Go out of your way to see me
Your smile alone
Leaves me shaking
The idea shattered by desire
Leaving only my beating heart

The Kiss

Early in the morning
When the sky is still grey
Before the sun has spread its light
Over 4th Avenue to Shine
In you windows and over your bed
That warm space we rest in
I in that grey space still notice
Between sleeping and waking
Comfort in the way your arm
Rests over my waist
Hand curled under my belly
You are shifting in your own
Early restlessness trying to hold sleep
As if holding me might bring you back there
But soon the waking day calls you
A gentle squeeze and single kiss
Planted quickly and playfully
Between my shoulder blades
And you are gone bounding
Out of our shared burrow
If I was not so in between the worlds
Of dreams and awareness I would have
Turned and swept you back
Close to me onto me
Kissed you gently deeply and strong
The way we used to
But you were already gone
Like a rabbit or deer onto the next thing
And I slip back into sleep
Listening to your fingers on the keyboard

Later when we parted
Saying goodbye at Port Authority
Our lips brushing the others cheek
I wanted to nuzzle into your neck
Lingering in that place
Between you ear and shoulder
Breathe you in whisper
I love you
Maybe the time for the kiss
And those words has passed
Save for the quick pecks and light brushing
But I have not forgotten
Those tender hours
And you are as beautiful now
As when I first saw you
Even when I hear you sigh
At your image in the mirror
Desire is still my companion
When we are close
Love is following you
Even as you bound away

Unequal

I knew this coming in

Your need was great

Monumental in size

A mountain for me

To climb to reach you

And as great as my strength

And endurance may seem

It wanes in my own unmet needs

I am tired of the uphill battle

Always climbing to reach you

Would you not even gaze down

To see that I too am struggling

Crawling and clinging

On this slope of your indifference

Only aware when I reach you

You there perched

Me always climbing

I can not bear being so unequal

Being a mere afterthought

When I reach you breathless

I am ready to let go of this

Risking the fall to oblivion instead

That I no longer move upward

Would you begin your descent

Climbing down to reach me

Lost

All the words we crafted
Carefully shared waiting
Each holding our breath
In trepidation hoping
For a response as blazing
And alive as our own heart

A passionate conversation
Unfolding until no
Longer could we wait in
Invisibility abandoned our
Anonymity in the journey to
Closing hours to seconds

A wildfire we became too
Hot to sustain in this
Form we could no longer
Hold each other in
Place our words lost amongst
The ashes after the flame

The Dream

Sunlight draws me out of the dream

Your voice and face still so vivid
We, the bookstore and the shopkeeper's question,
"What do you like the most about the city?"
Even in sleep I know
The company of you above all else
Is the best this city has to offer

Would you tell me as in the dream
"I told you do not love me." and turn away
I have never dared to say it
But my heart beating
With its full truth

Because it already lives there

In the dream, in this wakefulness

But here now pondering you
Still defended against me

All the hurt of' family, lovers, the world
Heaped between us

A place to rest your ambivalence

Or some wall I must climb to reach you
As if that mess will protect you

Unashamed dreamer offering affirmations
Aware of the hurt others have rained upon you
Like blows in some crazed boxing match

Aware too that you can hurt me
Are you willing to see my hands open

I am not defended, my heart is open

Come risk love and dare to dream

The Night Sky

Do not confuse my softness for lack of strength
I am as vast and deep as the night sky
Though at times reticent, willing to go along
You still must be an adventurer to touch me
The journey of unfathomable lifetimes exists here
Between points of light that demands bravery

Look closer, become an astronomer
I am the stars of the night sky, a celestial goddess
Deceivingly cool and dim at first glance
Often overshadowed by the bright sun
But over the ages many have charted their way
And whispered dreamy wishes under my gaze

I do not need to be the sun filling the sky
Let me bask instead in your light
Your flaming heart won't burn me
Nor your brilliance overwhelm
I am of the same substance burning at your core
I too can ignite your flesh for what are stars but distant suns

Let yourself patiently map the constellations of this body
You will a find a heat that rivals your own
Desire white-hot that has burned for aeons
In this heart lives the pure essence of the universe
Find your line of sight, an azimuth of understanding
Soft and quiet carries a deep strength and passion

A Short Time

Already the need is too strong
With so short a time
Me trying to play it cool
My heart beating furiously
My breath suspended
Waiting for you to say yes
You not even knowing
I am in your hands
That with one word or better
The gaze of your brown eyes
I'd fall to my knees before you

Trying to let you know
With simple words
That masks a need stronger
Than my resolve to play it cool
Read between the lines
For the meaning goes far deeper
Beyond these lovely words
Where there is only breath and heart
Desire and strength
Our time may be short
But I will meet that gaze

The Woman Of Your Dreams

The woman of your dreams
walked into you life today
Someone else
has captured your fancy
And those words once reserved
to describe me are now for
Someone else

The woman of your dreams
has given me an unexpected gift
This heart
is now free to find new love
once reserved for you
Now mine again to nurture
for myself

Waiting

As close as you are

I cannot reach you

Messages sent,

Heart laid open

You know the truth of it

The wings of my heart beat

And I wait

Trying to not

Hold my breath

You sitting with your soul

And I with mine

Trying to let silence fall

Yet here are these words

Trying to ease the waiting

Giving voice to my soul

Wishing to go deeper

Breathe, and I feel the fire

Ignited by you

Tell me you felt the spark

Tell me even now

You are burning

Tell me in your own language

And I would savour those words

To repeat them back to you

I want to tell you of this heart

That like a great bird

Beats for you

Clearing

She takes the bedroom furniture
And the desk
I take the china from 1919
We used to have at large family gatherings
The family gets smaller
In your scrapbook are old newspaper clippings
You never got around to pasting them
Faces of long-dead relatives
Misty in my own childhood memories
You as a girl child
Small and tiny from the dis-ease
Like now In the hospital small and tiny
Struggling to breathe
But this time no iron lung
Only the hum of digital machines
I feel like a plunderer
Having what once resided In your apartment
That sister and I sit and tell you what we took
Your face betraying nothing
Or so you hope
Your material life scatters already
And still you exist In the flesh
Nursing home and the promise of one day
Maybe having food, any food, again
Still you are here for me to ask
Who are those faces in the newspaper clippings?
And can I find the time to paste
Together so you can see
Your life goes on

Why You

How do I reach you

To know if it is worth the risk

Is there room in your already “we”

And what about the dog?

Why you

Why those telling eyes

Your words reached me

“The world has to change

It has to”

And the air left my lungs

Why you

Why that voice of conviction

My hands shook

The first time I called you

It was all worth that laugh

How you called me friend

Say again “hermana-amiga”

And I will know why

I want to know you

Everything about you

Close that distance

Become a fire in those eyes

Why is no longer the question

Only how

This Moment

You say there is

No forever

I only want

This moment

So when you lay

On my lap

And let my touch

Ease you to sleep

Working out that pain

Your breathing softer, easier

My hand

Trying to find its place

In this intimacy

I want to stroke your head

But know

That is not my place

I only want

This moment to linger

So I place my hand

On that shoulder

Letting my touch soften

And here we stay

Riding the rhythm of the car

As I watch you sleep

I only want

This moment

To say I love you

But that bump in the road

Brings you out of sleep

And all I want

That moment

Is gone

All I can do

The news came

That you were gone

I read those words

Three, four times over

I could not believe them

All I could do was scream “No!”

And cry

How many years now

When we sat at your table

Putting together Sinister Wisdom

Friends ever since

You let me into your life

Always included a note

That ended “with love”

In New Mexico

The praise you so deserved

For all the years

Dedicated yourself to us all

On your way

You found and hugged me

If only I knew

I wonder now if we failed

Too busy to notice

If there was something

Else we could all do

A letter, a call, any way

To remind you

That you were not alone

But you and your love

Had decided together

This was best

To go quietly

In your bed

And now all I can do

Is miss you and live

Bursting

Bursting the pods of my containment?

Bursting the pods of my containment…

Bursting the pods of my containment!

Bursting…pop! Scroooooch….ploooff…

The soft inner fluff lining the pod is set free.

My gentle side; compassion, love,

Even fear is set free.

It floats upon the breeze, set free!

It dances upon the currents, a fine cloud, set free

It hovers and moves, lingering for moments

Then it is dispersed on the wind – set free

All the love, compassion and fear set free!

Although it may be no longer seen,

No longer perceived by the senses,

It/I become part of the world – set free!

What remains?

A cracked broken shell, seeming discarded

But inside a tiny shining seed… The whole of potential

Waiting to be planted.

The earth is ready

I am ready

Hope

I hold hope in my hand

It is tiny and fragile

Like a small bird newly born

So when fear steps in

I must resist the urge

To clench too tightly

To crush the hope

I need most then

Instead let my hands

My heart

My being

Be open

Hope to be realized

Must leave me

And enter the world

To grow its wings

Fly to the hand

The heart

The being

Of all

The News

Listening to the news

Irrelevant framed as important

Why did I need to know

A man in New Mexico

ate 47 burritos in one sitting

Never in the news

The family down my street

Does not have enough to eat

Nobody knows

The important has become irrelevant

Solidness

We tell each other
Almost everything
But then we don’t
Too often we speak
In vagueness
When what we really need
Is concreteness, solidness
Like the way we’d feel
Pressed into each other

And I am up late every night
Because I can’t sleep
“Lots on my mind” I say
But really it’s you
On my mind
And I can feel
The world spinning
And I am spinning

Even as I make my way
To the desert
To see my lover of many years
I wish it were you
To climb mesas with
And gaze at the vastness of the sky

But instead we try to find
All the platitudes of
Friendship
Sisterhood
Always teetering on some edge
But never quite
Making that leap

I hold my breath still
Trying to keep
The heat of it inside me
Because you once told me
I needed to turn that page
And I did

But what you don’t know
Is that it is dog-eared
Creased forever
And every time that book,
my heart falls open
It is to that one page
That is you
Which I read and reread
Savouring its words
Its solidness and concreteness
As we keep speaking
In every way possible
To say but not say
I love you

The Long Night

My Heart, my body aches for you
I can feel this endless night
It stretches on
Quiet and dark
Holding me

On this long night
When you can’t sleep
Does your heart and body ache for me?
As the stillness and moonlight
Holds you

I hear my breath, the beating of my heart
Your name holding on my lips
Does your desire come as fiercely?
Stretch your self to me beloved
To your name whispered long into the night

Learning A Language

You are speaking
I feel myself pulled
Want to get closer
Become those sounds
Rolling in your mouth
Over tongue and lips

Maybe I will never
Be that close
But I feel the pull
To become those sounds
Feel them in my own mouth
Rolling over lips and tongue

Learning a language
One that makes me yearn
Finding the balance
Of fire and friendship
Resisting the pull
But lingering in those sounds

Each day I practice
Finding its place in my mouth
Perhaps one day
You will hear the sounds
And I shall be the pull
Drawing you closer

A Divergence

You, my mentor
Patiently worked through
the haze of my youth
You taught me how
to be tough, political, clear
Lessen the pain of life
We spoke the same language
rooted in growing-up hungry
We learned to work hard and share

You, my sister
Made a place for me to rest
when money was scarce
You filled my belly and my being
Fed, nourished, transformed
Around your table
we talked and laughed
Rooted in each other’s strength
Hard times lessened by the sharing

20 years my friend
Even as I went further into
my toughness and political leaning
Declared myself a dyke separatist
Railed, raged, revolted
against the men and their world
I saw that tolerant smirk on your face
but loved you anyway
Deep down we were still allies

Who were you?
When you announced
your marriage to your “wife”
I offered no congratulations
Got your house, 2 cars, vacations
You offered only criticism
of my life in the margins
Suddenly we had no language
Our hearts hard and closed

You, my betrayer
Still asking me when
will I give up
my rough around the edges life?
Used, tattered, worn
You want me to be ashamed
that I have food stamps
or despite my degree work in the dirt?
Share what little I have

For you, my regret
I let my principles
no matter how right
withhold the affirmation of your love
Instead I gave silence, contempt, judgement
Seeing you settle down
I thought you’d settled
for an easy life
One I could no longer share

Uncoiling

Days have been gloomy,
Grey and cool
But spring has brought the
Green in tiny
Uncoiling leaves
And that glimpse
Of sun and blue sky
Makes me smile despite myself

Your eyes dark, but not
The looming clouds
Spring having brought you here
Brown and smouldering
Uncoiling me inside
Just by your glance
Sea and earth in those eyes
My heart beats stronger inside myself

I hear you read the words
Carefully chosen
Hope like tiny green leaves from those words
Your voice uncoiling
Their lusciousness
Melting my heart like sugar
In spring rain
Letting the sweetness find me

Spring Poem

Heart heals
hope quivers, still
nestled in the deep
seed-place of self

Self which cannot be
erased or quelled
though at times
it seems they
succeeded

But here today if just for
now are you
remembering the
sweetness willing to
endure the emptiness

Emerging from winter's
embrace you
unfurl and open
set your hand to work
as your heart heals

The Letter

How do I write the words?
Let them flow out of me
Onto paper becoming
The letter you asked for
Becoming maybe more
Than we gave ourselves
The chance to be

No ordinary pen will do
I want to grasp
Dip it in ink
Feel the tip upon the paper
Feel the motion of each letter
The joy of each rounded curve
The sorrow of every dash

How to even begin
To address you, your name
Seems not quite enough
But can I now write
"My dearest, my beloved"
To let it be in words
How it once fell from my lips

You ask for a letter
But what I want to give
to you is my heart
Writing the words
Now makes it clear
Tells of endings
Tells of new beginnings

Walking To The Edge

The edge calls
Calls you
Calls me
Approach, fall back
Approach again
Just so far, but
Not quite reaching the precipice

But I know
You want to stand
Teetering a little
On that edge
Daring yourself to
Look down
I know it because
I have dared myself as well

I have wished to stand
There with you
Feeling my breath suspended
As you take my hand
And we breathe
Out leaping
No fear in the falling
Together we could grow wings and fly

But I cannot
And you do not
Need that from me
So I will stand
At the bottom
Call to you
Arms outstretched
Waiting for you to trust and leap

I know you’ll never
Reach these waiting arms
But I will smile
As I see your shadow
Fall across me
You between earth and sky
Sing your name
As I watch you soar